Why? I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Not blond but like superwhite. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. "See, I will finally make you smile.". Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. If it makes you feel better, I did not compare you to my father. Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Were having a party. THIS. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). Oh, stop it, will you? Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! . That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. 2. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. How are you? And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). Photo: Funny Quotes. To contact our editors please use our contact form. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. 1. Trying to build a house. See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. Good luck! in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. 18. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. . ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. I was never taught that was the correct answer. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. 1. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. Any fun plans? I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. And then deflect back on to them. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. To her it was rude. Or is there a better way to handle this? I'm going to say this to my parents. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. These people arent trying to gotcha! I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. I dont worry when people say no to me either. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. What are you doing? More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. Or they may feel social pressure to make conversation in the moment, and dont have any other topic at hand. But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. Not always). But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. That question from certain people stresses me too! And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). More words, people, not less. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Reluctant runners just need a nudge. None of us see each other over weekends. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. Shes asked like this a few times. Is that the best you've got. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . (If they didnt mean an invitation) Riding an elephant. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. Him: Nothing fun? (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. Are you busy? I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. My Kid: No (shuts door) (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). (Seriously? However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. My ILs do this. Well, now I know? If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. How much stuff is there? If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. E- Engage in the fun. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. This way, you are always busy when those people ask. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. 2. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that.

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